Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Perhaps things are happening too fast. I let my emotions take over me. But I cannot help it. I'm confessing here cause I cannot take it anymore. I wrote so much today cause I can't contain it inside me anymore. But when love comes, it comes. I admit I was nearly with moses. However, whenever he asked me the question, I couldn't bring myself to agree. There was something holding me back. At one period of time, I treated him like my bf. I tried to love him. I thought we could work out. In the end, I couldn't take it. I knew we won't work out because of me. I was mean. I gave him the cold shoulder and finally when I could let it of my chest, I told him on the 8th of December. I'm sorry. But I don't see a 'us'. Then there was another person who came along. I chatted to him like how I did with a close friend. But I never promised him anything. I didn't dare to take the chances cause I was afraid to hurt him. In the end, I still hurt him. Things just came tumbling one after another. Meeting up with Richard came as a surprise. We were friends all along and we just arranged to meet up for dinner. When I went out with Richard, I felt at peace. Surprisingly. As if all my troubles faded away. His smile just blew it all away. Then I know that he's the one I wanted to take a chance with. I feel horrible for hurting them but I wanted to be frank. People say I change fast. But I know Rich is different. I feel for him. Like how I felt for J in the past. The feeling was there. It's all so simple and I didn't cheat on anyone. Am I really that horrible? Gosh. My heart just feel as if it's stabbed. And what wx tagged really hurt. Try being in my shoes for a second. Nevermind. I guess in life, shit does happen at times. It's all part and parcel of life. What I typed was just the frustrations that I am feeling. Just needed to let it out. Now that it's out, I shall end.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 11:51 AM
I'm thankful for what he msg me. "Eve i nvr ever blamed u cos u nvr promised anything n if some1 gave me 2 cakes i can only choose 1.So its alr.Congrats on finding him.U have ur rights" He is so damn understanding. But deep down inside, I know he is in agony. Maybe he wants to make me feel better. I can only say thank you and I want to let you that I appreciate you a lot as a friend. (if you ever read this)
I broke 2 hearts real bad this Christmas. But what if I went ahead and got into a relationship with either of them and hurt them later? Wouldn't that be worse? If I were to be in a relationship with one that I do not love whole-heartedly, won't I feel so damn miserable? Did anyone ever put themselves in my shoes? I guess not. Human beings are selfish creatures. Self-centered assholes. I admit I am one too, since I could break 2 hearts just to find the one that I love. At least, I'm so much happier now.
Joyce asked me, "would you rather love or be loved?" Seriously, I always thought that I would rather be loved. I wanted someone to give me everything. Be there for me all the time. But I realised, no matter how nice the person is to me and if I cannot reciprocate the feeling, then what's the point of being together. At that moment, I answered her, "I'd rather love." Perhaps, I have not been able to really love a person for a long time. And I longed for that feeling to come back.
I like it when I have found the person to love. I can pamper the person like crazy with feeling obligated to cause I really love him. So far, only 2 or 3 in all my failed relationships have made me felt that way. But there was only one guy in the past that I truly loved. Well, that's all over now. I will not harp on the past. Why let the past make you miserable when there's a bright future ahead of you. There maybe someone standing right in front you and loves you like crazy but you don't see the person cause you feel like you haven't let go of your past.
I may have been in many relationships and I am sad to say that only one really worked out. I took a long time to let go of it man. Nobody knows that I still think about him at times. But now, I can say that I am finally able to let it go. Cause I found Richard. I knew Richard for 3 years already and perhaps it was just pure fate that brought us together this time.
I treasure what we have now and I seriously dun wanna lose it due to external factors. Like what I blogged last time, I remember Guan Hong telling me this. I shall type it out again. "Couples in a relationship should fight with the external factors instead of getting into a fight between them." Seriously, how many couples are really able to do that? That's why there is a break up or divorce. The world is sad at times. Where is the love?
I guess I was really frustrated last night. Didn't wanna disturb Rich from his sleep cause he had to be in camp early today. Besides, I dun want him to lose his concentration by telling him all the crap this morning. I feel much better now after writing so much. Letting almost everything out. Writing is really a form of release, at least to me. What a long depressing post. It's time for some light-hearted one now!
Yesterday, I was at Kimage dying my hair. So I have a new image now. I cut my hair short once again. I love my haircut but my colour is really too outrageous. May just darken it again. The streaks are too much so my whole head looks damn yellow. The best part was that Rich came down from camp just to accompany me! Thanks! Mummy was there also. I am lucky to be blessed with such a great family and a great darl. Mum and Dad, you're the best! Thanks for pampering me so much. I appreciate it lots.
Richard, I am so happy that you came into my life once again. This time, I hope you'll stay for good. After so long, I finally could love again. And I really dun want to lose you. Words will never be enough to tell you how important you are to me. We are two of a kind and I think that is so damn cool. I love you, my cute and fit pti!
Thank you God for everything you have given me. The good times for me to cherish, the bad times for me to learn. There is a reason for everything and I am sure that you have it all planned. You are my King, my Majesty.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 8:08 AM
I do not feel very good now. At one point, you feel as if you are on mt. everest but the very next minute you can feel as if you just fell off mt. everest. Fine. Hate me. Go ahead and think that i am disgusting. But what i am doing is just really simple. That is to fight to be with the one i love. I made it clear to Moses. Just before i left for Jakarta. I told him i couldn't love him the way i should. Then there is this person. He told me he likes me. I did think he was cute in sch and everything and we chatted for damn long. I guess i gave the wrong impression again. I thought you were great, but i was considering whether we would work out. So i did not explicitly show my feelings as there might be a chance that we would not work out. Yes, it's all my fault ok. As if i dun feel bad enough. But we can't force love! Maybe both of you hate me. Everyone else think i am at fault. I know my conscience is clear. Leave me to rot and die. Whatever. I'm fucking hurt also ok. "Love is a choice."
What seems to be happening around me seems like a waterfall. My tears is coming out soon. I can't hold it back.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 12:22 AM
Monday, December 27, 2004
Rich brought me to his church yesterday. And for the first time, I felt this connection with God. I talked to God. Told him about my plans. I prayed for Rich, my family, Joyce, Jas and everybody. Learnt about forgetting the past to make the future a better one. Thinking when would the day come. For me to be a Christian. Wonder what will my parents say. Spent the day with Rich. Wonderful. Chilling at the esplanade library. Not bothering about what was happening cause we're in our own world. Love and enjoy every single minute of it.
Love is an amazing thing. It has its extremes. It can be bitter. It can be sweet. What is love? Nobody has the exact answer to it. To each his own. And I know I have found my love.
Time flies when we are together
Especially when we are looking at each other
Thinking that it is magical
Yet we know it is logical
Artist: Firehouse
Title: Love of a lifetime
I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams can all come true
With love that we can share
With you I never wonder -
Will you be there for me
With you I never wonder -
You're the right one for me
Chorus:
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart,
I finally found the love of a lifetime
With every kiss our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong
Chorus:
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart,
I finally found the love of a lifetime
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart,
I finally found the love of a lifetime
[ I miss you.. ]
at 11:10 AM
Sunday, December 26, 2004
I just opened my christmas gift from mo's parents. They gave me a black dress. Suddenly, I felt damn bad. I never give them anything for christmas. They invited me for a christmas dinner and I didn't have anything for them and for mo. When I was out with rich on x'mas eve, saw mo's bro. Today, his parents saw rich and I. Seesh. I felt kinda lousy. Melancholic all of a sudden. It's like, I'm such a horrible person. Hurting him and all. But, things can't be forced especially love. Wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I hope I am. Sorry...
Currently, the past few days has been great. Been seeing rich a lot. Yet, when we part, I miss him so so much. Probably, it's the heart to heart conversations that really attracts me to him. I could sincerely feel how he feels about life and every other thing. I could tell that he was speaking directly from his heart and I was able to relate all my life philosophies to him. He didn't feel bored and he actually agrees with me! That was pretty amazing. Usually, when I try to talk to people about this kind of thing, I always feel that they are listening to me because they feel obligated to and it goes in one ear and comes out in the other. I hope things between us would work out but I am also prepared for the worst. Somehow or rather, at this point in time. I'm not really confident about myself anymore. I dunno why and I know I shouldn't feel this way cause I was telling rich the opposite just this afternoon. But I pray that God would help us and guide us through this relationship. Rich, you're one special guy. You're the one that really relates me to God. I have no idea why but you just have this ability to. Maybe it's the way you speak of God. Thank Yew for everything so far. Your time and energy.
I'm falling for Yew. X'mas has been great for me this year cause God gave me a wonderful gift.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 2:51 AM
Saturday, December 25, 2004
X'mas eve was exactly the way I wanted it to be.
Chilling at esplanade at night, catching a movie at bugis in the day, waiting at the library just to take the train outta cck, having a nice chat at east coast under the sun and counting down at fort canning hill for x'mas! What more can I ask!
Talking to rich under the umbrella made me realised how much we had in common. I never thought I'd knew somebody who actually had the same thinking. Philosophically. It was amazing hearing him agreeing with the things that I've said. Understanding what I was gonna say although I did not even complete my story. And whenever I look at his face, it just put a smile on my face. His smile is so charming. I think guys that bring umbrella out are the coolest guy ever! I mean, which guy would actually bring an umbrella out despite their mum's pleas.
More surprises! Both of us actually got 1st for x-ctry in sec 2! I mean, how often do I know people who'd get first for x-ctry. Furthermore, same position same year!
Dear God, I thank you for bestowing me with this wonderful gift for x'mas.
I dunno how things will turn out but I really hope that he's really the one that I have been searching for.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 11:52 AM
Thursday, December 23, 2004
You were so different from what I remember. The 'jiang' time and the time we met up in J1. Seeing you now is indeed a nice surprise for me. You're talking more now. And so smiley too! I wonder yet again. But I know God has everything all planned out and I'll get the sign from him too. For now, I'm just enjoying whatever that I have. Thank Yew!!!!! =)
What is love exactly? When you want to find your true love, will you end up breaking lotsa vulnerable hearts? It is unfair to the others, but if you do not break their hearts, will you end up breaking yours? Love is confusing and it really makes one go crazy at times.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 10:50 PM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I am thinking of the person that might make an ideal partner to me. So it may be you, you, you or you! Back from Bangkok. Another great shopping trip. I wanna go Aussie! Anyone willing to sponsor my trip? Time to sleep. Hope I get my job. I'm really broke. Time to sleep now. Good night.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 3:40 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Hello people. I am too lazy to update on my Jakarta trip. All I can say that it is just simply wonderful. Shopping was awesome. And there's rafting. The company and everything, it was just great. Things are so cheap there. Heh. Anyway, I'm flying to Bangkok tomorrow. See you peeps again on the 21st!
It's weird to be thinking of you. But I am thinking of you.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 7:15 PM
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Bye all. I'm flying off to Jakarta today. 9th. Will be back on the 14th. Take care everybody. I love you all. Goodbye especially to my Joyce and Jas. To Ger: I didn't mind it at all. =)
Artist: Simple Plan
Title: Perfect
Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according
To plan?
Do you think I’m wasting
My time doing things
I Wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorryI can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorryI can’t be
Perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
All the days
You spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t
Care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
Enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’ alright
I’m never gonna be good
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this
Right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorryI can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorryI can’t be Perfect
‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorryI can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorryI can’t be Perfect
[ I miss you.. ]
at 6:51 AM
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
I cried that night at the suntec fountain. It was bad. I couldn't help it. Thank god Jas and Joyce was there. I wouldn't know what to do without them. Much as I want to let it out, I'm really afraid to do so. Running away makes it worst but at least, only I would be the one suffering. It's tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. It is impossible. I know it yet I can't end it. There is too much obligations. I really wanna run away to another country and start a new life there. Everything here is killing me softly...
Why is it that it is still you.. I don't understand.
[ I miss you.. ]
at 3:26 PM
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
My mind is like a whirlwind. There are some people that I really miss. And I wish I could give them a great big hug. I want to.. But would they let me?
[ I miss you.. ]
at 1:25 PM
